Jews On The Web

Jews On The Web

A DIFFERENT TAKE ON THE MEMORIAL SERVICE

Russell A. Irving

During Yom Kippur, we hold a memorial service. We both mourn those whom passed on and honor them.

Yet, what of the death we hold within our souls?
You know! When we have lost so much during the year, just passed: Jobs. Money. Homes. Families. And, of course, the losses of Hope, Faith, Love, and Trust.
Should we mourn these, as well?

For us to move onward with our lives, into the New Year, successfully, we should bury our failures. Our feelings of defeat. Our resentments.
How else could we pass through the gates as they close? Yom Kippur, with the true spirit of looking forward to a year of renewal?

Yet, how do we bury these things that haunt us? - Pain. Disappointment. Anger. Desperation. Hurt. Distrust... They all can run so deep!

The answer lies in the acceptance of 'what was'. In our using the mental 'shoveling' of dirt upon the grave of broken dreams and sorrows. And in the renewal of spirit that God allows us to embrace.
Unless we can accomplish these things, our journey into the New Year, with all of the possibilities afforded us, will be made much more difficult.

God may allow to walk through the open gates. Yet, it is up to us, how we begin our journey, once through them.

Amen.

On Those Who Are Dead, While Living
Russell A. Irving

We spend the Yitzkor service remembering and silently celebrating the life, the memory, of loved ones who have passed.
We will hurt. We will cry. We will hold our feelings in, wrapped so tightly, lest anyone else see outward signs of our grief.

Yet, there will be some of you who likely have died along with your loved ones. You will feel that God has ripped out your heart. And, also, without your child, your husband, your wife, your parents, you find that there is little reason to continue your own life.

The problem with this stand is that you are not dead. You are here on earth. You have the ability and the responsibility to not only celebrate the blessing of your own life, but to live the memories and wonderful attributes of those who died. For how else can their memories continue throughout the generations, unless you help to tell tales of their life... to share their failures and their successes?

Then, there are those of us who suffer with great health issues or have family members who do.
It is easy to question, 'Why'. It is less easy, yet, still far too common, to wish that we could pass on 'early' and end the misery of our own personal suffering or watching our loved ones suffer.
And, again, this path cheats the truly dead of their 'right'. It cheats our loved ones who, while they pray for good health, know that as long as their faith in God exists, that there is 'hope'. They know that there are always people who are worse off than they are. And, they know that they are still capable, on some level, of contributing to society, to loved ones... if only to plant more seeds of loving memories for when the time is right to pass on and to go with God.

So, as we remember our loved ones, please remember that life is a gift. And, it is our responsibility to live it as best that we can. And, to maintain faith in God.

Amen.

TO HELP THEM MOURN AND TO...
Russell A. Irving

Yes, we mourn the loss of loved ones. Especially, today.
We say our prayers. Yet, do we seek out others who mourn their loss? Do we visit, call, chat, or otherwise pay our respects, and help them to live a little, if that is what they need, at the moment?

The truth is that the impact of death lasts long after shiva is past.
And, so many folks hunger for the company of others.
Sometimes, that company need only be your presence. For others, it is time for them to venture forth into life and live it in such a fashion as to honor the memory of their departed one.

Especially, on Yom Kippur, many who lost loved ones, in days, months, and years past, need us to help them mourn, honor their departed, and to see that there is still a life worth living.

HOW DO I EXPLAIN
Russell A. Irving

When a friend's mother passed away, recently. After much praying for her well-being. I felt a loss of words. Not a loss of feelings.
Yet, try as I did to convey what was in my heart, it did not feel sufficient.

Unfortunately, there are many of us this Yom Kippur, who are mourning the loss of loved ones. And those of us feeling the sorrow that friends and family endure due to their losses. And how do we cope with it all?

First, we must allow us ourselves to open the floodgates. To release the dam inside of us, wherein our deepest feelings are often held at bay. For our fear of drowning, especially in sorrow, is so great. We must realize that God will not allow us to succumb in sorrow beyond that which we can endure.

Second, we must reach out to others. Whether it is to seek or give comfort. Whether or not we have the power to express our pain or the ability to heal the hurt. For it is in the effort itself, that comfort is sought and received.

Third, we must allow the loved one's legacy to continue. Within our hearts, our minds, our actions, and our words.

And, finally, we must turn to God. Why 'finally'? Why not 'first'? Simply because by doing the above, we have, in truth, turned to the Almighty for comfort and strength. And, now, we do it through prayer.

On this Yom Kippur, may your heart be buoyed by the love of friends and family and the Almighty.

Amen.

BECAUSE IT IS A NEW YEAR
Russell A. Irving

Another year. Another loss. - Only one, if we are fortunate.

Each Yom Kippur, we dedicate much prayer, thoughts, and feelings to the memory of those who have left this earth.

During Yitzkor services, I have seen great pain expressed through rivers of tears, clenched hands, quiet sobbing and eyes staring deeply into space. Then, there are those among you who have decided to 'be strong'. And to not show their grief... lest they appear 'weak' or they open a floodgate which they fear they cannot close.

For those of us at home today, praying outside of a communal structure, the images of loved ones who have passed can be overwhelming.

Why, then, do any of us partake in this communal or solitary sorrow?
Why, at this time when we so fervently pray to God for inscription in the Book of Life, for a good and healthy year, would we change our focus, so dramatically?

We do so because it is a new year.
In part, we are asking God to keep us separated from our loved ones who have passed on to His keeping. We want desperately to cling to the branches of the 'Tree of Life'. But we also want to remember the fallen leaves which were once our loved ones.
As children of God, we are, in part, truly children. We desire 'the best of both worlds'.

We memorialize our departed, loved ones, now, because it is a new year.
Because we are entering a new year feeling vulnerable. We do not know whether or not God will grant our wish for a healthy and complete new year. - And, as much as we look to God for strength, we look back to loved ones who embodied a strong will, perseverance, and a love of life, for inspiration.

We recall those who have passed in the night, now, because it is a new year.
We acknowledge our blessings. Not the least of which is entry into the new year.
By honoring the memories of loved ones who cannot join us on this specific journey, we show our appreciation for their being an integral part of our life. We show admiration for the acts of goodness which they performed.

And, yes, we remember them because it is a new year.
While we might be afraid to admit it, some of our loved ones were not very nice people. They committed serious sins, harming others, perhaps, even ourselves.
It is their acts of wrongdoing which play out so often on the stage of our mind.
Yet, the High Holy days is a time to evaluate our past year, our lives. To repent for our sins. To offer forgiveness to those who have sinned against us.
And, what better place to begin, then with those who can no longer ask for our pardon. Then for those who can serve to remind us of our own failings. Failings which we so desperately need to work on... correct.
And, what better example of goodness is there, then for us to forgive them. - We seek God's forgiveness, as a child does from his parent. - So, should not we live the Holy One's example to us, and offer pardon.
We do not forget, just as God does not. - But, as God seeks humility, true attrition, and offers us the opportunity to give Him a better memory of us, so should we do this for those who have wronged us. Those who are no longer able to utter words of apology, words of regret, words of repentance.

We also remember our departed ones, now, because it is the new year.
We, too often, spend any significant amount of time in formal prayer, only during the High Holy days.
Likewise, we allow ourselves to be so busy with 'life' that we shortchange 'death'. - How often do we visit cemeteries? How often do we pause during our day to remember our loved ones' acts of kindness or ways in which they have touched our lives, forever? How often do we include them in our bedtime prayers?

For those of us who are fortunate enough to share Yom Kippur with fellow Jews, we remember our loved ones because it is the new year.
It is comforting to know that as a people we share more than the one true God, the Torah, and our traditions. We also share our humanity. Our successes and our losses. Especially, our deepest losses: those of loved ones who have returned to dust and returned to God's loving care, on a different plane.

Finally, we commemorate the passing of our loved ones, now because it is the new year.
Because, during this time of quiet contemplation and prayer, we thank God not only for the blessings which He has bestowed upon us... Blessings which we often take for granted... Blessings which we sometimes ignore, while we focus, instead, upon petty losses and failures... We thank God for the blessings which we received from our beloveds, whom God allowed us to experience life with...

May you find peace in your heart, this Yom Kippur.
May you live your life so well, that when you are no longer upon this earth, someone will not believe it and will remember you during a Yom Kippur Yitzkor service.

Amen.

YITZKOR

MINI-SERMONS - PRAYERS

Sometimes It Is Too Late

Russell A. Irving

It is not uncommon when someone reaches my age to contemplate not only their own mortality but that of loved ones. On Yom Kippur, we seek forgiveness from those whom we have wronged. We repent for our sins. We seek insription in the Book of Life.

This year, I learned that my estranged brother has passed away. After years of struggling with a devastating disease, of which I knew nothing. I have been unable to shake the lack of reconciliation between us.

Growing up, I looked up to my big brother. He was kind and hardworking. In many ways, he was the opposite of myself because he seemed shy, while I was outgoing. Yet, as the years have passed, I think that we each reached a mid-point in those areas.

I never quite understood what went on in his mind and heart. Without going into details, there was a parting of the ways between he and myself, as well as other family members. So it was that for the past 20 or so years, we never spoke or had communication with one another. I had reached out to him with the rare birthday card, but never heard back. I was too angry to pursue the reason for that. And, admittedly, too afraid of what his response would be.

Now, it is too late to mend fences, to understand better what each of us did wrong. (I do mean to include myself, here.) We will never come to an earthly peace with one another.

We always want to believe that we will be blessed with another year on earth. That there will always be time to reconcile with loved ones who hurt us and whom we hurt. But, that is merely self-delusion. An excuse for us to not take the first step. To ask "Why?" and be prepared to hear the response.

This Yom Kippur, while it is not too late, may you reach out to the loved ones who have become strangers, for whatever the cause. So that you will not have the sad, awful, empty feeling deep inside of you which I have. So that when the next Yitzkor service comes around, you can truly mourn their loss and not what you never did to reconcile with them.

Amen.

Of the Past, Present, and Future

Russell A. Irving

Yitzkor services are a time toremember those whom we have lost. Of the fraility of life. Facing our own mortality.

Between health and age, I see more often than not, the coming of the end of my physical existence. I watch the health crisis that my family deals with on a too ongoing of a stream of time. And I fear for their well-being.

If you also face some of these issues, what do we do at this time? I urge us to look to the past, present, and future with perhaps different eyes.

The past brings me to the mourning of parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and friends. And to those Jews and non-Jews who lived and died for their families and also for future generations. I learn more each year of the non-Jews who gave their lives for a people who they might barely have known, personally. Yet, they cared. Deeply.

The future is mostly unknown. Yet, we can pave the way for others to remember us and our loved ones. Also, those who even we do not know of.

So, this leaves the present. The time for us to mourn and honor those who came before us. And to believe that our loved ones do not wish for us to drown in sadness, depression, worry. But rather to do what we can for ouselves, our family, friends, and even those who live far from us but who are suffering as much if not more than we do.

Finally, let us look to G_d and our faith. To believe the prayer that reinforces the belief that G_d is our Shepard and will watch over us. Always.

Time does not stand still, whether or not we speak of the past, present, or future. Becasue all 3 do and will exist forever, if only through the eys and love from G_d.

May you find peace and comfort during this service and always. - May G_d inscribe you and yours in the Book of Life for at least another year. And, may it be a good one.

Amen.

What A Wonderful World

Russell A. Irving

You might be thinking, "What a strange title for a message during the time that many of us are preparing for a Yitzkor service."

Well, you are correct: It is. Yet, it is also so very appropriate.

The other day I watched the finals for the show, America's Got Talent. And one of the 10 who made it that far was a young girl, Evie Claire. At thirteen, she carried the world on her shoulders. Doing her best to make her dying father proud.
Fast forward through all of the hard work to get that far in the competition. That far, when her beloved dad died from the terrible cancer that took him to G_d. Yet, that same week, she held true to her commitment to him and her other family members. She sang with the soft voice of an angel, What A Wonderful World.

We can choose to open the floodgates of sorrow and pity and anger for having lost our loved ones. And, we believe that any time is too soon for them to leave us without their physical presence. Without their touch, their voice be it soft and tender or loud and angry. Regardless, we love and miss them.

So, how can this truly be such a wonderful world? How can we see through the curtain of our tears that they live on in our memories, our actions, our hopes and dreams yet to be fulfilled?

How? We can begin by emulating Evie Claire. A child with the vision that many of us adults do not possess. A child who understands, all the time that she might not understand.

Yes, Yitzkor is a time to remember and mourn those who have returned to G_d. And, it is also a time to commit and promise the memories of our loved ones that we will carry on and strive to the best of our abilities to help keep this a wonderful world.

Amen.

For When 'Too Many' Have Died

Russell A. Irving

Too many loved ones have died!
Especially, as we are blessed to reach 'middle-age' and then our so-called 'golden years', the number of deaths that we have mourned, increases dramatically.

I find myself, at times, struggling to remember the names and faces of all who touched my life. To remember, at times, how they impacted me.

Then, I remember. Regardless of how faintly...
I know that my actions, reactions, feelings, hopes, dreams, and morals, all were shaped in part by having them in my life.

So that when the Yitzkor service comes around, there will be some people whose name and faces will bring instant tears and sorrow. And, there will be others whose name and face will pass by my memories as if they float by 'the stream of my life'.
Each one will be mourned and each one remembered. Each one thanked for touching me in ways both 'bad' and 'good'.

May you, also, recognize that whether or not you realize it, all who have passed away have been a part of who you were and are. In that way, you remember them at this special time.

Expand Your Memories During The Yitzkor Service

Russell A. Irving

This year, as every year, I remember and miss loved ones who have passed. I say prayers for those who died and who I never knew. At least, I don't know that I knew them.

Yes, all of our lives are intertwined with one another's. From the man who just passed and is credited with creating the NY bagel, to the man who created a lifesaving medication, to the Christian soldier whom my late father knelt and prayed with during WWII, so that he would not feel alone despite harassment by non-believers.

I remember with pride how I was able to help others in a group home when I worked there. And I remember the lessons that they taught me about life and love and the genius that lay within their developmentally delayed minds.

Although I attended services by streaming them, I envisioned being at them with my mother, father, sister, and brother. Seeing aunts and uncles, impatiently, after the service. Yet, now wishing to relive those moments with more reverence for what they had to teach me about family and life.

Yes, as much of a cliche as it might be, it is true: We do touch all lives with every action, great or small.

So, how does this relate to Yom Kippur and the Yitzkor service?
We should give thanks to all those who have passed on and whose actions touched our own lives. We should mourn their passing, as if we knew them intimately. We should honor their memories with our own actions.

For we all came from the same parents, Adam and Eve. And, we all have the same G_d. The Only G_d. Praised be He. And, may He ease our pains. Increase our joys. And, inscribe us for a good year in the Book of Life.

Amen.

A Lesson of the Yitzkor Service

Russell A. Irving

Every year, I await and dread the Yitzkor service.
I await it as an opportunity to make the time to honor those who have passed on. -- I dread it because the odds are great that there will be one or more of my friends and relatives who have died during the past year..

How often do I forget an important lesson that is learned and re-learned during each Yitzkor service! The lesson that is taught whenever I think of all the wonderful deeds that my parents and others performed. The acts of selflessness. Of charity. Of caring. Of sacrifice. Of love.

What is the lesson?
Simply that we should live our lives so that when we do die, no one will believe it.

Amen.

The Yitzkor Service As An Integral Part Of Yom Kippur

Russell A. Irving

This year, like far too many others, I mourn the loss of a dear, dear friend. One who finally married only recently, in the scheme of things.
Doreen taught me much about kindness, friendship, giving, and more. Far more than I believe that I ever taught her.

During the Yitzkor service, today, I will think of her. As I will think of my dear, wonderful parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Friends and co-workers.

While I have always accepted the Yitzkor service as being an integral part of Yom Kippur, today I made a connection between it and the rest of the Yom Kippur services. Undoubtedly, many of you made this connection, ages ago. For those of you who have not, please allow me to share my epiphany.

During Yom Kippur services, we ask God for forgiveness. We offer to repent, to change those ways of ours that do not live up to the best that we can be and that God would want from us.

I realized just how much I regret having lost touch with Doreen and how when we re-connected on Facebook, how I still never made the efforts to chat, let alone ever see one another.
So it is, with so many of my loved ones who have passed on. I never gave to them the time that they deserved. The times that I missed out on.

So, during this Yitzkor service, today, when I think of my mother and father, my special aunts and uncles, my friends... I will ask God to forgive me for not taking the opportunities that He gave me year after year. The time that I could and should have spent with them.
I will promise God that if I am granted another year of life, that I will spend more time with loved ones. That I will attempt to create as many new memories as I can, so that when one of us joins Him, that those left behind will have more to remember during the Yitzkor service. And, more of their ways and teachings, to influence life, so that they will continue to live on, here on earth.

Amen.

Catching A Glimpse Of Them

Russell A. Irving

I looked up at the window where I believed that I caught a glimpse of my deceased father. Or, was it a shadow? A memory that I wish were real?

Perhaps you have also found yourself, from time to time, catching a glimpse, albeit fleeting, of a departed loved one.

Far from being 'creepy', it seems natural.
Natural that the good that someone did will enter our mind. That we will miss someone so much that we catch these glimpses of them. So real, that we almost believe that we could touch them, or should call out to them, or simply carry on a conversation with them. Share a cry, a laugh, a peaceful moment.

With age, we find ourselves speaking like them. Reacting as they would. And, questioning how they would handle a situation, a dilemma.

So what does this phenomenon have to do with Yitzkor?
Simply this: We take time today to purposely see these special people, in our mind, our heart, and in our actions. Today, at this service, it is more than acceptable for me to ask my mother how she would handle a crisis. My aunt for a reality check. My uncle for wisdom in dealing with a problem at work.

This service is also the time when we give thanks to God for allowing us to keep our loved ones alive for an eternity.
For rather than simply a painful, perhaps heart-wrenching experience, this is a gift.

Yitzkor service is also a reminder of our own mortality.
A wake-up call to live our lives with faith, love, integrity, and...
That the leaves fall daily from the 'tree that is our life'.
That we owe our children and grandchildren and spouses and... the ability to one day catch a glimpse of us in the kitchen, cooking, or the window, watching for their safe return.
That this is only possible through God's blessings and our own actions.

It is truly not a cliche that loved ones live on within us. Because they do!
And during the Yitzkor service, please not only remember those who are no longer physically with you, but remember the wondrous opportunities for their goodness to live on through us, because of God's love and mercy.

Amen.

BECAUSE IT IS A NEW YEAR
Russell A. Irving

Another year. Another loss. - Only one, if we are fortunate.

Each Yom Kippur, we dedicate much prayer, thoughts, and feelings to the memory of those who have left this earth.

For those of us at home today, praying outside of a communal structure, the images of loved ones who have passed can be overwhelming.

Amen.